Teenage girls have a way of getting under one’s skin—especially when you’re their parent. As their anchor, you’re also their doormat, chauffeur, punching bag, therapist and enemy. Your teenage daughter knows she needs you, but developmentally, she’s withdrawing from the parent-young child relationship, so it gets complicated.
As the parent of a teenage girl, you need to prepare for a range of noxious and rebellious behaviors that can make us say things we later regret. To help you through this challenging time, I’ve compiled a list of comments that you might want to say—but shouldn’t. Admittedly, I’ve had three daughters who, over the years, have heard me say most of these undermining statements in frustration. To build connection, trust and your daughter’s self-worth, I advise you to learn from my mistakes and bite your tongue!
1. “You’re SO selfish!” All teens are self-absorbed. As annoying as it may be, it’s developmentally normal for teenage girls to be egomaniacs. Keep trying to role model compassion and talk about the importance of empathy, but don’t expect miracles. It’s all about her right now, so don’t state the obvious.
2. “Stop being so moody!” She can’t! Your daughter is experiencing a surge of hormones that make her weep one minute and laugh hysterically the next. The good news is that if she’s upset and cranky, it will pass. Remember that she can’t help it and will be irritated with you for pointing out her bad mood.
3. “Drugs and alcohol can kill you!” It’s true that drugs and alcohol can kill, but making extreme dramatic statements undermines your credibility. Most teens—about 86 percent—know other kids who drink, smoke or do drugs during the school day, while 47 percent of teens in 2020 had used an illegal drug before graduating high school, according to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics. It’s better to discuss the dangers calmly and realistically, because the kids they know who do drugs are likely very much alive.
4. “You look like a tramp!” Teenage girls often dress in ways that bring to mind a host of negative sexual stereotypes. With their clothing—or lack thereof—they’re not soliciting sex, but rather trying on a more grown-up identity. Tread gently, or your daughter will feel judged and criticized for simply trying to grow up.
5. “Don’t get yourself pregnant!” Of course it’s important to discuss the risk of pregnancy, but an overemphasis on not getting pregnant doesn’t help your daughter grapple with other sexual pressures. In her book, Girls & Sex, Peggy Orenstein reveals that teenage girls are often pressured into oral sex—and go along with it because at least it won’t get them pregnant. It’s best to discuss a realistic array of sexual behavior to build a foundation of communication and trust.
6. “You are beautiful." Obviously, it’s lovely to tell your daughter that she’s beautiful; however, if this is a reflex or the only type of compliment you offer, you aren’t doing her any favors. Teenage girls need to feel efficacy, strength and pride in their abilities. Being beautiful is a fluke of nature, not an accomplishment. Aim to shift your compliments toward characteristics and actions that will serve her far beyond the momentary joy of feeling attractive.
7. “Don’t roll your eyes at me!” Don’t bother—she can’t help it! Just chalk it up to her age and move on. This isn’t a permanent condition, and drawing attention to it just results in more eye-rolling.
8. “That’s OK; I was never any good at science (or math, technology or engineering) either.” This might seem like a supportive comment, but it’s actually an insult. Don’t give your daughter an excuse not to strive. It’s OK to share that you had to work hard at math or science, but avoid negative statements couched in empathy that perpetuate tired, old gender stereotypes. Don’t put your own insecurities or weaknesses on your daughter, as her own path to success might be quite different from yours.
9. “I don’t like your friends.” Teenage girls are inherently social and loyal to their friends. Developmentally, they’re making the critical shift away from relying solely on family to expanding their support system. Therefore, to criticize your daughter’s friends is to criticize her. Try to avoid speaking negatively about other girls in her group, even when she is unhappy with one of them. After all, at this age, dynamics often change: Today’s mortal enemy may be her bestie tomorrow, and vice versa.
10. “I’m going to throw your phone in a dumpster.” As much as we hate the way our daughters are attached to their phones, it’s better to navigate their phone use thoughtfully instead of hurling empty threats about phone usage. Phones should be a reward for expected behavior rather than a right, so use the phone to your advantage. Only give it to your daughter when she’s caught up with her chores and homework. Be sure to spend time explaining the dangers related to social media, especially to her self-esteem. If you haven’t already, watch the film Screenagers together to drive home the point.
11. “What were you thinking?!” Remember, a teenager’s cerebral cortex isn’t fully developed, so sometimes she isn’t thinking at all and ends up doing dumb things. Sadly, if her friends are with her, she’s even more inclined to engage in behaviors that are risky or just don’t make any sense. Instead of obsessing over the silly thing she did, teach her to deal with the consequences. Show her that she can tackle a situation more maturely. For example, one of my daughters lost the keys to the car while at a party. Instead of getting very angry, I told her she had to pay to get a new set of keys made. Not only was this costly for her, but more importantly, it taught her to navigate an adult situation. Still, if the behavior is irresponsible and dangerous, she must be called out on it.
12. “You’re going to do it because I said so!” In her insightful book Untangled, Lisa Damour describes why it’s problematic to exert power over teenage girls for power’s sake. At this age, girls begin to understand complexity. “The best way to maintain your daughter’s respect will be to welcome her budding insight,” writes Damour. When parents are overbearing and rule-bound without explaining why, teens become sneaky and resort to lies. It’s much better to discuss your rationale for a rule, such as a curfew. On their road to independence, teens need to question authority and test boundaries. If you show respect, they will be less likely to act up just for the sake of defying your authority.
13. “You should be ashamed of yourself!” Shaming is never a good strategy. It’s so tempting when your daughter is doing something embarrassing, but it’s not worth it. Words thrown in anger that shame a child can stay with them for a long time. Shaming breaks down trust and communication. Just hold your tongue.
14. “You look great—did you lose weight?” This seemingly innocent observation is loaded for many teen girls. In fact, eating disorders often spring from the positive feedback girls get for losing weight. With social media bombarding our daughters with unrealistic images of what they should look like, parents need to avoid any suggestion that weight loss makes them look better. Encourage your daughter to be healthy and care for her body, but don’t feed into our society’s cultural obsession with thinness.
15. “Don’t screw it up like last time!” Psychological research has proven that our expectations can shape our outcomes, so avoid generating negative prophesies for your daughter. Sadly, girls fall prey to such prophesies far more often than boys do, especially in math, science and other stereotypically male areas. It’s much better to say, "I know you got this” than to add more doubt to the situation. Reminding your daughter of a past failure makes it much more likely that her confidence will suffer, translating into compromised performance. Give your daughter every possibility of success by telling her she’s smart, capable and hard-working. Better yet, remind her of a time she kicked ass!
Dr. Marika Lindholm is a sociologist and the founder of ESME (Empowering Solo Moms Everywhere), a website that aims to redefine single motherhood by providing resources, inspiration and a point of connection for the underserved community of Solo Moms. A former single mom of two, she is now remarried and the mother of a blended family of five children, including two daughters she and her husband adopted internationally. For more inspirational content, check out ESME.com, where Solo Moms get the support and attention they deserve.
